


All the Time in the World

by LilyK



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, HIV/AIDS, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 09:00:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16059833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyK/pseuds/LilyK
Summary: When Blair is found after a kidnapping, he is faced with some life-altering news.





	All the Time in the World

\------------------------------------------

We have all the time in the world  
Time enough for life to unfold  
All the precious things love has in store

We have all the love in the world  
If that's all we have, you will find  
We need nothing more

Every step of the way will find us  
With the cares of the world far behind us

We have all the time in the world  
Just for love  
Nothing more, nothing less  
Only love  
\--Louis Armstrong-- 

\-------------------------------------------

Simon Banks strode through the bullpen and stopped in front of Jim Ellison's desk. He grimaced at the stoic, pale man who sat before him. The weight loss looked bad on Jim. The sadness surrounding his friend looked even worse. 

"Jim, my office, please." 

Jim looked up at the rather tense but soft tone of his captain's voice. "Sir?"

"Now, please." Simon turned without another word, and after opening the door to his office, held it until Jim entered. With a small sigh, he carefully closed the door and removed his heavy coat. 

"Simon?" Jim asked, "What's going on?" Jim examined his friend's face and held his breath. "Simon?" he repeated, his voice very quiet. 

"Sit down." 

"I don't want to sit down." 

"Jim, please..." 

Jim shrugged and sat. 

Simon sat also and looked directly into Jim's eyes. "I just had a call from the El Paso County Sheriff. They've found Blair." 

Jim started to rise, but his knees refused to cooperate. He slumped back in the chair and covered his face with his hands. "Oh, thank you, God." 

"It's - not looking very good." 

Jim wiped his hands down his face and said, "I don't care. He's been found! I'm leaving immediately." 

"I'm going with you." 

Jim almost smiled. "Thanks, Simon, but you know you have too much happening this week with the Browning trial for you to be able to come with me. Besides, I think I should go alone. It's been six months..." Jim leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "Tell me." 

Simon nodded. "I don't know where to start. I talked to the hospital right after I talked with the sheriff's office. He's dangerously underweight and dehydrated. They're not even sure where he's been. He can't or won't talk. They have him in ICU and they said he's not responding well at all." Simon swiveled his chair and poured coffee. He held up the pot to Jim, who shook his head. Simon added a dollop of cream to his own cup before he turned back to his friend and said, "I explained that he disappeared under suspicious circumstances six months ago. I didn't elaborate because I don't think they need to know about Alex Barnes." 

"They must have matched his fingerprints from the FBI database," Jim mused. "I can't believe it's finally happened. After all this time. After all the searching..." 

"The sheriff ran his prints and yes, they came up with a red flag. The picture the FBI provided... Well, the doctor tells me he wouldn't have recognized Blair from the picture. I want you to be prepared, Jim. He's going to look pretty rough." Simon shifted and sighed. "He may have some scarring from his injuries and his head's been shaved. He was treated badly."

"I don't give a fuck about any of that. He's still alive. And he'll be okay. I can feel it and that's all that counts. I told you he wasn't dead, didn't I?" Jim rose and squared his shoulders. "I have to get him out of there, just in case..." Jim waved a hand in the air. "We don't know where that bitch is now. I'll call you after I see him." 

Simon rose and came from around the desk. He put a hand on Jim's shoulder and said, "Tell him I send my best." 

"I will, Simon. Thanks." With a final nod, Jim went to his desk and made travel arrangements to fly out on the next plane to El Paso. 

Stopping by the loft, he packed a few days' supply of clothing and toiletries into a carry-on suitcase. He closed the case and trotted down the stairs into Blair's empty room, entering the space for the first time in almost six months without feeling sick to his stomach and without his head pounding over the loss of his friend, partner and Guide. After tossing the suitcase on the neatly made but dusty bedspread, he added clothing for Blair on top of his own. Smiling at the sight of their personal belongings mingling together, he snapped the case closed and headed out. After one stop for cash from the closest ATM machine, he arrived at the airport with just enough time to pass through security, prove his identity in order to be permitted to carry his firearm, and boarded the plane. 

\--------------------------------------------

Jim sat in the hospital cafeteria nursing a cold cup of bad coffee while he waited for visiting hours in the ICU. His hands trembled, making the coffee slosh onto the table. After breathing in deeply and huffing out the breath, Jim took a sip, grimacing at the bad taste. His mind replayed the conversation that he'd had with Blair's doctor when he had arrived. His stomach churned into a tight knot and he felt as if he were going to be sick. 

"Mr. Sandburg is stable for the moment, but he has some complications. We're keeping a very close eye on him. He'd lost a good deal of weight and was severely dehydrated when he was brought in. He's been in ICU twelve hours and we've hardly seen any improvement. 

"The skin on his wrists and ankles is badly infected. It took the ER team about an hour to remove all of the foreign substances embedded in the skin. They found pieces of sisal rope, dirt, shreds of cloth. I'd say Mr. Sandburg was bound roughly for a considerable length of time. After he was released or escaped, the injuries he sustained weren't treated. The infection had been festering for a while. Also, he shows signs of heavy drug use; damaged veins and residual traces in his blood tests. There's no way to tell if it was voluntary or involuntary -" 

"He's not a drug user," Jim said adamantly. 

The doctor nodded. "I understand he was kidnapped. He was most likely forced to take the drugs so that he could be more easily controlled. Right now, he's receiving heavy-duty antibiotics, of course, as well as intravenous fluids." 

"Is he responsive?" 

"He's - not talking, but he's not fighting us either. He has been conscious, although he's so weak; he's been sleeping most of the time. During our interactions, I would describe him as resigned. He's let us do anything we've had to do and not objected in any way. I'm afraid that, to me, that's a bad sign. Whoever did this to him seems to have broken his spirit. I don't think he cares one way or the other." 

"Will he be okay?" 

"There's one more thing... I'm not sure... You're not his next of kin..." 

"I am his next of kin. I brought a copy of his power of attorney." 

"Yes, well..." 

"Just tell me without the tap dancing, Doctor." 

"Mr. Sandburg's HIV positive." 

\---------------------------------------------

Jim swallowed the last of the bitter coffee and rose, tossing the styrofoam cup into the trash on his way out the door. In the ICU ward, he was given a disposable cap, gown and shoe coverings, and led into Blair's room. 

Jim's eyes filled with tears when he saw his friend lying still and white against the sheets. For once, Jim was glad that his senses had become dormant after Blair's disappearance. He couldn't have handled having his heightened senses taking in what his normal ones were now doing. This was bad enough. 

Jim stood for a long moment examining his Guide. The doctor hadn't sugarcoated his words. Blair looked like shit. He was pale, his cheeks sunken. His lips, those normally full, pink lips, were now cracked and peeling. His skin was dry and sallow. And his hair... or lack thereof. His head had been shaved, carelessly by the look of the skin that showed numerous small cuts, old and not healing well. A short fuzz had started to grow, but it looked dry and brittle. Jim bit his lip, immediately angry with the person responsible for Blair's suffering - Alex Barnes. 

Moving to Blair's side, Jim tugged a chair along and sat down beside the bed. He gently held Blair's rough hand in his and tried to speak. Bowing his head, he felt the tears pool in his eyes again and he wiped them away with the back of his hand. Swallowing hard, he forced himself to remain in control and he held onto Blair's hand as if both their lives depended on it. Maybe it did, Jim mused. 

Scooting to the edge of the chair, Jim finally said, "Blair? It's Jim." Jim's free hand rested on Blair's fevered forehead. "Please, Chief. I'm here for you. Please get well soon. I need you." 

Blair's eyes didn't open, but he shifted minutely and let out a small moan. The sound broke Jim's heart and his head dropped to the bed. With his forehead resting lightly against Blair's lower arm, he buried his face into the sheets and whispered, "Please, God... Thank you for bringing him back. Thank you. I'm here and I'll take care of him. I swear it."

Jim stayed beside his Guide until the nurse informed him that visitation was over. He rose, nodding at her request to leave. Placing his large hand across Blair's forehead, he leaned down and said softly, "Call me if you need me, Blair. Any time. I'll be here." With a last gentle touch on Blair's arm, Jim left to wait in the visitor's lounge until he would be allowed to see his Guide again. 

Sitting on one of the sofas provided, alone in the small room, Jim pulled out his cell phone. Three phone calls later, he had found what he sought. Someone who was willing to do whatever was necessary for the right amount of cash, and to keep quiet about it. 

\-------------------------------------------

"Mr. Ellison?" 

"Yeah," Jim said, rising and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Is Blair okay?"

"Yes, actually. He seems to have improved somewhat in the last eighteen hours since you've arrived. I think he's aware of your presence even though he's been sleeping almost the entire time. His blood pressure is improving, as well as his other bodily functions." 

"That's great, Dr. Patel. Thank you." Jim gave the man a small smile. 

"The staff and I talked about this and we're all in agreement. We'd like to move a recliner into Mr. Sandburg's room and have you stay with him as much as possible. I had a consult with the staff psychiatrist and he informs me that Mr. Sandburg's improvement could very well be a result of your presence. Whatever happened to him, we feel that he's suffered a serious psychological trauma and he needs every advantage. I'm willing to do anything that will help him on this road to improvement." 

"So am I, Doctor. I'd rather stay with him and if it's helping..." 

"You're tired, Mr. Ellison. Go down to the cafeteria and have something to eat. Come back in about an hour and we'll have things ready." 

"Okay. Thanks." Jim nodded to the helpful physician and left with a much lighter heart. Blair was going to get better. Nothing would dampen those thoughts. Not even... Jim hurried to the cafeteria. He was hungry since he hadn't eaten for almost twenty-four hours. Blair was going to get better. While he was having a hot meal, his cell phone rang. He spoke briefly and with a grim smile, he disconnected. 

\-----------------------------------------------

Sitting beside Blair's bed, holding his hand, Jim was relentless. He spoke in a low, soothing tone to his partner, willing him to recover quickly, ordering him to wake up and talk to him. While Blair wasn't in a coma, he was so exhausted and weak that he had barely stirred in the past thirty-six hours. Jim was aware that the doctors were keeping him lightly sedated to help him rest, but he was still anxious to talk to his friend, to hear Blair's voice for the first time in six months. 

Jim was finally rewarded with Blair's waking to full coherency on the third day of his vigil. Blair's legs twitched, his fingers wiggled and his head tossed from side to side. Jim pressed a warm hand to Blair's forehead and moved as close as possible, sitting on the side of his friend's bed. 

"Blair, it's Jim. I'm right here. Come on, buddy, open those eyes and look at me." Jim's hand gently caressed Blair's face and neck. His other hand held one of Blair's firmly against his chest. Not even thinking about his actions, he leaned down and pressed a soft kiss on the battered knuckles. "Chief, I'm here. I'll always be here for you." 

Blair moaned softly and his tongue flicked out to lick his dry lips. Jim touched the side of Blair's face, rubbing his fingers on the warm skin. He was astonished when he realized that he could tell that Blair's fever seemed to have broken. Shocked that his senses were working at all, Jim knew without a doubt that his touch had registered the drop in Blair's temperature. Because he hadn't actively used his senses in many months, it hadn't even dawned on him to try to revive them once he was back in his Guide's presence. 

When Blair first disappeared, he had used his senses to their full extent in the search for his friend. As the weeks and months slowly passed, the failure to locate his partner, and the despair he felt at his failure, mounted. Jim's heightened senses, always sensitive to his emotional turmoil, slowly ebbed until they were back to what Jim referred to as “like before”, meaning they were what would be considered normal. Now he knew that his senses were slowly coming back on-line. Jim sighed, not sure if he was happy or sad about this new development. Deciding that if Blair's return meant that his senses would return also, he quickly concluded that Blair and senses was a much better thing than no Blair and no senses. With a small snort, he returned his attention to Blair. 

Jim focused intently. The long-familiar scent of his partner wafted through his nasal passages. The steady, slow thump of Blair's heart under Jim's hand comforted the Sentinel. The sound of Blair's breathing filled Jim's ears while Jim's eyes drank in the much-needed sight of his Guide. A warm feeling filled his heart and he knew then that Blair was going to recover. He also knew that he was going to stay with and care for Blair for as long as he lived. 

When Blair's eyes slowly opened, Jim breathed a sigh of relief. "Hey, Chief," Jim said softly, touching Blair's face with his fingertips. "Can you see me?" 

Blair's gaze met Jim's. He licked his lips and sighed softly before he said, "Am I dreaming?"

Jim smiled. "No, you're not dreaming. I'm here. Really here." Holding Blair's hand lightly but firmly between his own, he squeezed it. When Blair's fingers tightened, Jim gave them another light, comforting squeeze. "I'm here for you. How do you feel?"

"Tired," Blair whispered. "Thirsty." 

"I'll ring for the nurse. Want to be sure it's okay for you to have some ice or water." 

Blair nodded, his eyes closing. "Jim..." 

"Yeah?" 

"I never thought... I'd see you again... I tried to get home... I tried really hard..." Blair sighed sadly.

Jim felt his eyes fill. "God, Chief. I know you did. I missed you so much!" 

"What happened?"

"What do you remember?"

"Not much. I... was forced into a van. Alex..." Blair's eyes closed. "I'm not sure. It hurts to remember." 

“Shhh. It's okay. Just rest. Let me get you some ice chips to suck on. That will help with the dry throat." 

"Okay." 

Jim pressed the call button. One of the helpful nurses came immediately. "He's awake and thirsty." 

Nodding, the nurse left for a few moments then returned with a cup of ice and a spoon. "Give him one at a time. I'll let the doctor know he's awake and talking." She smiled at the patient before leaving. 

"Open up." Jim slipped a cube into the open mouth. "I have something for your lips. They're probably painful." At Blair's small nod, Jim fished a tube from his pocket. After spreading a tiny bit of the balm on his fingertip, he gently coated Blair's mouth. "How's that?"

"Good. Thanks. Another, please?" Blair asked softly. 

"Sure, Chief." Jim spooned another ice chip into Blair's mouth, giving his partner a warm smile. "How do you feel?" 

"You already asked me that, Jim." 

"I know. I'm just worried." 

"Thanks. It's good seeing you." Blair's gaze met Jim's, but before Jim could give Blair a reassuring smile, Blair looked away. "I remember running away. I don't know what from. I ran until I couldn't. Then I walked and walked. I hid during the day and walked at night. I followed the North Star. I was always hungry..." His voice cracked and his shoulders shook. 

"Chief?" 

"Please, Jim... I think I need to be alone." 

"Blair, please... talk to me. What can I do to help? What do you need?" 

Blair's breathing hitched and he stifled a sob. "Go away, Jim. I can't... I don't want you seeing me like this..."

"Ah, God, Chief. If anybody deserves to have a few tears, it's you." Jim moved closer and put his hands on Blair's shoulders. "Please, let me help. Let me... I missed you. I tried, honest to God. I tried to find you, but you were gone. It's my fault..." His hands caressed the thin shoulders. 

"Jim..." Blair whispered, raising his arms toward his friend. 

Jim gently pulled Blair into his arms, being careful not to bump the IV line, and pressed a hand against the back of Blair's head. Rocking slowly, Jim whispered comforting words to the trembling man. "I'm here. Blair, I'm here for you. Please, Chief... I'll protect you. I won't fail you again... Give me another chance to be your - friend." Jim took in a shaky breath before he added, "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry.” Holding Blair close, he whispered, "Shhhhh." 

Blair's arms weakly circled Jim's waist and he buried his face into the beloved shoulder. "Holdmeholdme. Tighter. Please, Jim... Missed you so much! I was so scared... Hold me, please..." 

"It will be all right. Shhh. I'm not going anywhere." 

"Jimjimjim..."

"You'll be okay. I'm here and I'm staying." Jim tenderly held his partner until he heard the door open a few minutes later. "Blair, the doctor's here to see you. I'm going to help you lie down. Okay?" 

Blair sniffled once and nodded. "Yeah. Okay." 

With a soft smile, Jim laid Blair against the pillows and raised his hand to ruffle his hair. His face paled and he stopped. 

Blair saw the aborted motion and his hand flew to his head. He groaned, feeling the short stubble. 

"It will grow back," Jim said comfortingly. 

"I don't remember... Why can't I remember?" 

"Let the doctor look at you, Blair. Forget about the hair for now. Besides, I kind of like it." 

Blair gave Jim a disgusted look before he turned his attention to the man patiently waiting for Blair. 

"I'm Dr. Patel. How are you feeling?"

"Tired. Thirsty." Blair shrugged. "Pretty crappy otherwise." 

The man smiled. "You're doing much better. In fact, before Mr. Ellison showed up, I never dreamed you'd recover so quickly." 

Blair gave the doctor a small smile. "Jim is like that. He insists everybody do as he commands. I figure I'd better get well before he skins me alive." 

Laughing, the doctor pulled his stethoscope and examined his patient. He made several notes on Blair's chart before he clipped the pen into his pocket. "I'll arrange to move you from ICU to a private room this afternoon." 

"When can I leave?" 

"I'm afraid not until we talk about your situation. There are some complications that you need to be made aware of, and instructions that you must understand in order to maintain your health." 

Blair heard the doctor's serious tone and looking directly into the man's eyes, he asked, "Why?" 

"Your blood tests show that you're HIV positive, Mr. Sandburg." 

"What?" Blair whispered. "What did you say?" 

"Chief -" 

Blair held up a hand. "Just a second, Jim. Did you know about this? Why didn't you say something? How? How did this happen? I don't remember... Was I raped? How?" 

"There were no signs of sexual abuse, Mr. Sandburg. As far as we can tell, you were given drugs during your captivity. More than likely, you were infected from a dirty needle. There's no way we can tell, " the doctor confessed. "You might remember more details as time passes, but it really doesn't matter what the method of infection was, only that you are aware of your condition." 

"Are you sure?" Blair said shortly. 

"Yes. We double-checked." 

"I don't remember. Why don't I remember?" Blair roughly dug his fingers into his eyes. "Please, just... leave me alone." 

"Mr. Sandburg..." 

"Leave me alone. Both of you." 

"Blair, please..." Jim begged. "I'm here for you." 

"I just need to be alone for a while. Please, Jim." 

Jim looked into Blair's sad eyes. He nodded. "Sure. I'll go and have a cup of coffee." 

"Just rest, Mr. Sandburg," Dr. Patel said. "I'll arrange for that move and have something sent in for you to eat." 

The doctor left the room with Jim at his heels, following reluctantly. He glanced back just before the door closed and saw Blair covering his face with his hands. He smelled the sharp tang of salt and sighed sadly, letting the door close and giving Blair his privacy. 

\--------------------------------------------

"This is a pretty nice room, Chief." Jim pulled the chair close to the side of Blair's bed. "I bought you ice cream. The doc said you could have some." 

"Thanks, but I'm not hungry." 

"Listen. I don't mean to be a hard ass... Well, maybe I do. I've been reading while you've been sleeping. I'm going to take care of you whether or not you want me to." 

"I don't get a choice in this?" Blair asked testily. 

"Nope. I'm your worst nightmare. You're going to eat properly and sleep properly. You're going to exercise and take care of yourself." 

"You're not my fucking mother." 

"No, I'm much cuter." 

Blair glanced sideways at his grinning partner. "So it wouldn't do me much good to ask you to leave me alone?” 

"Ah, no. I'm here and I'm staying.” 

Blair groaned. “God, you are worse than my mother. ” 

“I hear that.” 

When the comment finally registered, Blair snorted and gave Jim a small smile. "You are such a dickhead." 

"So what else is new? Now about this ice cream... Before it melts, eat." Jim held out the cardboard container and a spoon. 

Blair took the offered items and slowly removed the lid. "It's strawberry." 

"Fresh strawberry. None of that prepackaged shit. They have this place down the block that makes it fresh every day. You just pick out the junk you want mixed in and they do it in front of you." 

"Jim, you're rambling," Blair said before taking a small taste. "Hmm. Good." He ate slowly, savoring the flavor. "Really good. It feels nice on my throat." After a few more licks, he finally smiled. "Thanks, Jim." 

"You're welcome." 

"This doesn't fix everything." 

"I know," Jim said quietly. "We'll talk. We'll figure it out." 

Blair licked the spoon and shrugged. "It's not your problem." 

"No, it's not. But then, you're not anybody's problem. You're my life." Jim looked directly into Blair's surprised gaze. 

"What?" 

"Can't live without you, Chief. I found that out fast. If you'll have me, I'd like us to be - together." 

Blair carefully set down the spoon and ice cream container. "You're serious about this?" 

"Yup." 

"But that's impossible. I'm positive, Jim. I can't risk your life." 

"There are plenty of couples living together where one of the partners is positive. We'll just be careful." 

"No. It's too risky. Besides, you've never even had a same sex relationship. Why now? I don't need you feeling sorry for me," Blair added angrily. 

"Look at me. Come on, Sandburg. Look at me." When Blair's eyes finally met his, Jim said, "Do I look like an idiot? Do I look like I'd be willing to feel sorry for someone and take pity on him, just to have sex? Do you think I'm not capable of making an informed decision? Do you doubt that I could feel deeply for you? That I want to share a life with you?"

"That's not the issue! I can't risk hurting you," Blair said, crossing his arms tightly. 

"Let me tell you something. The day you disappeared, my life was over. You can ask Simon. Yeah, my senses disappeared, but that wasn't the biggest thing that disappeared. You were. My life was empty. I don't want you for my senses, or because you're a fucking brilliant partner, or because I feel sorry for you. I want you because I love you, plain and simple. Jim loves Blair. Forget the other shit, because it's all meaningless without you. Get it?" Jim growled softly before he said lovingly, "I love Blair Sandburg." 

Blair's eyes filled and he turned away for a moment before turning back to look into Jim's loving face. "You mean that, don't you? You really mean it." 

"Yes," Jim answered simply. 

Blair gave a half-hearted smile. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

"You shoved me under a garbage truck." 

Finally, Blair smiled. "Yeah. Dumb move, right?"

Jim rose and hitched a hip on the mattress. "Definitely," he whispered, rubbing his knuckles on Blair's cheek. “So...” 

“So?” 

“Are we okay?” 

“I'm not sure...” 

“Do you - care about me at all - in that way?” 

Blair gave Jim a sidelong glance. “If you can't even say it...” 

“Oh, I can say it all right. I want to make love with you. I want you in my bed. I want you beside me every morning and in my arms every night.” 

“Jim... God, Jim, that's so... I do love you,” Blair said quietly. “It's not going to be easy. Sometimes I'm sure I'll be a real bastard.” 

“I'm sure you will, but I'm willing to take that chance.” Jim smiled and touched Blair's chin with a single finger. When their eyes met, Jim said, “I'm going to kiss you... If that's okay with you.” 

The small bit of color in Blair's cheeks drained away. "I don't want... I'm not sure... I mean, I know you can't get HIV from a kiss, but still... I'm scared," he finally whispered. 

"I know. Me, too." Jim leaned down and kissed Blair's forehead. He cupped Blair's chin in the palm of his hand and raised his face just enough so that their lips lightly touched. Lovingly and tenderly, Jim kissed Blair for a long moment before he pulled back and said, "Wow." 

Blair's throat closed and he swallowed hard. Giving Jim a shaky smile, he said, "Yeah." Leaning against Jim's chest, he sighed and wrapped his arms around his lover's waist. 

Jim rubbed soothing circles on Blair's back. "Together. Okay, Chief? We do this together."

After a small hesitation, Blair murmured, "Okay." 

\-----------------------------------------------

"I'll be gone just a day. Duty calls. You rest and do what the doctor tells you." Jim leaned down and pressed a warm kiss to Blair's forehead. He rubbed the rough stubble on the much-loved head and grinned. 

"Okay, Jim. Tell Simon I said hi and I'll look forward to seeing him if and when the doctor lets me out of this damned place," Blair groused, crossing his arms. 

Jim let Blair think that the duty that called him was police work back in Cascade. He chuckled at Blair's demeanor. "You must be starting to feel better. Miss you already. And just think, in three or four days, we'll be out of here and back home." 

"Wish I could go with you now," Blair said wistfully. “Why can't Simon handle this one himself?” 

“Because I'm the best, Chief.” At Blair's scowl, Jim added, “"Rest. Eat. I'll be back by tomorrow night. The History Channel is showing a couple of good documentaries. Give those a try." 

"Love you," Blair whispered. “Be careful.” 

"You, too.” Jim answered with a shrug. “Nothing to be careful about. Just routine.” 

\--------------------------------------------

The trip went smoothly. Jim was flown to a small private landing strip outside of Torreon, Mexico. By jeep, the local, who was paid handsomely for his information and help, drove Jim forty miles into the jungle on a cleverly hidden track that led to a surprisingly nice residence concealed from the government's prying eyes. Bidding the companion to wait in the jeep that was stashed in the high brush about a mile from the hacienda, Jim, with his Sentinel senses on full alert, located his target in minutes. Evading the two lackadaisical guards, he captured his quarry in less than ten minutes. Carrying the unconscious burden over his shoulder, he disappeared into the brush. 

Ellison soundlessly appeared beside the jeep two hours after he left. He roused the sleeping man and they returned to the airstrip. Taking off immediately, there was another landing in a field fifty miles north of Chihuahua, Mexico. Using a borrowed pickup truck from a nearby farm, Jim drove ten miles east to a small ranchero. After visiting with the head honcho of the establishment, passing over a large quantity of cash, and gathering the information he needed from the cooperative man, he quickly dispatched the slave trader and his business partner, along with two sidekicks, from the planet. Releasing the twelve victims he located from their prison, he passed out the cash he had retrieved from the headman, who, after he died, had no real use for it, gave them keys to the four vehicles in the yard, and sent them on their way back to their homes. He headed back to the plane. 

Jim was back at the El Paso hospital within twenty-four hours, shaken but determined. He had found what he had searched for. He now knew about Alex, the kidnapping, the drugs, the slave traders, and a hell of a lot more that he had no desire to know. None of them would ever hurt Blair or another person ever again. He had made sure of that. Jim locked the information deep into his soul and swore to never speak of it aloud. Determined to care for his lover as long as he lived and with as much love and tenderness as he could give, he returned to Blair. 

\---------------------------------------

The hurricane that was Blair Sandburg breezed into the loft. With a wide smile, he tossed his coat in the general direction of the hooks beside the door and crossed into the kitchen, immediately wrapping himself around his lover. 

Jim stood at the kitchen sink scrubbing veggies when Blair entered the loft. With a smile and a hello for his Guide, Jim grinned when Blair wrapped his arms around his waist and hugged tightly. 

"Hey, Chief. Good session?" Jim asked, extremely pleased at the grin plastered on Blair's face. 

"Yeah, better than good. It was wonderful." Blair tightened his arms again and rubbed his cheek against the back of Jim's shirt. 

Biting his tongue against the words that he wanted to say, the questions that he wanted to ask, Jim nodded and said, "Great. I'm happy it went well." 

Blair laughed. "You're dying to ask me, aren't you?"

"Who, me? Nah." Jim shrugged and peeled the string from two stalks of celery. Adding them to the clean pot of water that held freshly washed potatoes, he then went to work on several carrots. 

"What's cooking?" 

"Pot roast." 

"Cool. When will it be done?" 

"I just started. Two hours, give or take." 

"More than enough time." 

Jim dumped the clean carrots into the pot and after wiping his hands on a dishtowel, he turned in his lover's arms and wrapped his own arms around Blair's neck. "Missed you," he said softly, placing a warm kiss on his mate's full, soft lips. 

"Mmmm. Missed you, too." 

"More than enough time for what?" 

Blair grinned and bounced on his toes. "Something special." 

"Really?" Jim asked, returning Blair's contagious smile. "What could that be?" 

Raising himself onto his toes, Blair soundly kissed Jim's lips while he reached into his pocket. "This." 

Jim's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open when he saw the shiny new box of condoms in Blair's hand. "Blair?"

"Dr. Trainer and I had a long talk, and we both agreed. I'm ready, willing..." Another kiss was planted on Jim's still-opened mouth, "...and able." Blair grinned and nodded, tossing the box up into the air and catching it one-handed. 

"Are you sure?" Jim whispered. "Really sure?" 

"Yes." 

"Okay, then..." Jim pulled Blair close and held him tightly. Gently kissing the upturned mouth, he savored the flavor of his Guide. After many minutes, Jim finally released his mate and slipped his hand into Blair's. Tugging his lover toward the steps leading up to the loft bedroom, Jim felt his heart begin to race. 

"Hang on. Wait a sec." Blair planted his feet. "I need to... you know. Use the boy's room." 

Jim nodded mutely, almost unable to grasp the whole idea. It was going to happen. After six months of therapy, both as a couple, and individually, after the tears they both shed, after the disagreements they'd had, thinking that each knew what was best for the other, after the feelings of guilt on both sides had been resolved, and after the hours of discussion and research about the pros and cons of lovemaking between a positive and his uninfected lover, it was time. They were going to take the final step. Jim was elated and scared at the same time. Elated because he knew Blair was his life, his love, and this would forever seal their commitment in the fires of passion and in the ultimate act of love that neither had shared with any other man before. Scared, not because he feared being infected, but because he feared failing to make Blair happy. Shaking off his trepidation, he allowed his joy to shine through. 

"Sure, Chief. Let me toss the pot roast into the oven and set the timer for two hours. I'm sure we'll be starving by then." Jim suggestively waggled his eyebrows, making Blair laugh. 

"I love you," Blair said tenderly. 

"Me, too. Blair. Love you." 

Jim tossed the pot roast together quickly, trying not to listen to his lover as he prepared himself. For me! Jim thought, grinning stupidly. He's doing this for me! 

Blair emerged from the bathroom in just his boxers and t-shirt. His damp hair curled enticingly around his ears. Since his hair had grown back, he had kept it much shorter than before. It was easier to keep up with now that he was back to working full time, he had told Jim. Jim had shrugged, liking the way the shorter curls tumbled across Blair's head and around his ears. He didn't care how Blair wore his hair, as long as Blair was happy. 

"My turn," Jim said, grabbing his lover's arm in passing and kissing his inviting lips. "Meet you upstairs in a few." 

"Okay," Blair said softly, brushing his hand down Jim's cheek. "I'm so happy." 

Jim grinned. "Me, too." 

Jim finished his ablutions quickly, anxious to join his lover. Whistling, he sauntered through the loft and up the stairs, trying to appear casual even though his heart was racing. When he arrived at the top of the stairs, the sight of Blair lying naked on their bed made his blood tingle.

Jim walked slowly toward his lover. "Do you know how beautiful you are?" he asked. 

Blair smiled and blushed. Shrugging, he unsuccessfully tried to hide his pleasure at the words. "It's you, man. You have the body of a god. I'm just - average." 

Jim stood beside the bed and said, "You're far from average, Chief. You're perfect. The last few months at the gym have turned you into a hardbody." 

"Oh, geez, Jim. That's sweet, but you are such a liar." 

"I am, am I?" Jim pulled off his boxers and slipped onto the sheets beside his mate. "You have a beautiful nose." Jim kissed the tip of Blair's nose. "You have soft, inviting lips." Another kiss was bestowed on the full lips. "You have a good heart." Jim's lips pressed against Blair's chest, his mouth covering the rosy brown nipple nestled in the soft hair, making Blair gasp. "Like that?" 

"God, yes," Blair whispered. "Jim?" 

"Yeah?" Jim looked into Blair's eyes. "You okay?" 

"I'm - so happy! It's just hard to believe..." Blair's voice trailed off. 

"Hey, only happy thoughts tonight. You're here with me. That's all that counts." 

Blair nodded. "I know, but still..." 

"No. Not tonight. Tonight is for us. Tomorrow we'll worry about - all of the other stuff." Jim shifted closer to his lover. "Listen. I want you to know something. I'm really proud of you. You're strong and so fucking courageous, Chief. I don't know how you do it. In spite of everything... Well, you know. You've come through this with flying colors and I'm honored... Now don't look away and don't roll your eyes. I mean it!" Jim laughed and pulled Blair closer, nuzzling his ear. "God, Blair. I love you so much. And I am honored to be your life partner."

"Thanks," Blair said shyly. "But it's me who's thankful for you. Without you, I'd never have made it this far. So for tonight, I feel great and I love you. Now shut up and kiss me." Blair gave his lover a mischievous smile. "Besides, I've waited long enough." 

Jim laughed before covering Blair's mouth with his. He deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue into Blair's welcoming mouth. Pleased when Blair slipped a hand behind his head and encouraged Jim to explore, Jim happily and fully examined Blair's mouth. Taking Blair's small moans of pleasure as a sign to move on, Jim's hand rubbed circles on Blair's firm, hairy chest. The hours of exercise had hardened Blair's muscles into defined planes and Jim's fingers danced along his ribs, sending small shocks of pleasure through Blair's torso. 

When Jim finally released Blair's mouth, he quickly kissed his cheeks and neck, lightly nibbling along Blair's collarbone and finally latching onto a nipple. Sucking and nipping the hardened nub, Jim worked the nipple until Blair was starting to pant and shiver under Jim's touch. Crossing to the other nipple, Jim gave it the same amount of attention as its companion. 

"You're driving me crazy," Blair murmured, rubbing the back of Jim's head and running his fingers through the short hair. "Jim!" 

Grinning, Jim worked his way down his lover's stomach, licking and kissing a path to Blair's pubic hair. Rubbing his nose into the crisp curls, Jim deeply breathed in the masculine smell of his lover. 

"Jim..." 

"Shhh. I got it," Jim reassured his mate. With his teeth, he ripped open one of the condom packs that Blair had conveniently piled on the nightstand next to the fresh container of baby wipes and a large tube of lube. He slipped the condom onto Blair's hard penis. At his touch, the erection swelled even more, making him smile. He looked into Blair's face and when their eyes met, Jim smiled teasingly and wrapped a hand around Blair's hardness. Before Blair could speak, Jim wrapped his lips around the head of the sheathed penis and sucked. 

Blair let out a small cry, thrusting his hips up. His hands clasped the sheets and his mouth fell open. When Jim sucked harder and stroked the lower part of his penis with his hand, Blair cried, "Jim! Oh, God!" 

Jim released his prize for a moment and said smartly, "Like that I see," before returning to his ministrations. 

"Jim... Wait. It's been so long... I'm going to come... Jim! I can't... God!" 

Pleased with Blair's cries of pleasure, Jim's head quickly bobbed up and down on the straining shaft. His hand squeezed and stroked intermittently, driving Blair crazy. With a final shout of "Jim!" Blair came long and hard. 

"Oh, God. Oh, God," Blair panted, spurting into the latex. "It feels soooo good! I love you, Jim!" 

Jim grinned and removed the condom from his lover's body, tossing it into a conveniently placed wastebasket. With a wet wipe, he washed the traces of sperm from the lax penis until he was satisfied with his work. After cleaning his lover, Jim crawled up his body, dropping random kisses on the warm, furry chest. Draping his weight carefully on top of his mate, Jim kissed Blair fully and passionately until Blair was breathless. 

"Can't get enough of you," Jim murmured between ardent kisses. "You taste so good. You smell even better." Nuzzling Blair's ear, Jim nibbled, making goose bumps dance down Blair's arm. 

"Oh, man. You aren't giving me a chance here. I came faster than an inexperienced school boy." Blair wrapped an arm around Jim's neck and their lips met yet again. Kissing slowly, Blair's legs spread open and Jim's hardness slipped between his thighs. Squeezing his hell-hones calf muscles around Jim's penis made Jim groan and thrust into the hot prison. 

"Make love to me," Blair whispered. "Please, Jim," he added with a hitch in his voice. 

"Shh. Don't... Please. I don't want you sounding so... sad. Please. Just tell me. 'Fuck me, Jim.' Tell me!" Jim ordered, carding his fingers through the short curls and holding Blair's face close to his. "I'm here." 

Blair closed his eyes and swallowed. "I know you're here. It's just that..." 

"Look at me." 

Blair did as asked, blue eyes wide and dark with emotion. "I'm sorry." 

"Don't be sorry. Hell, Chief. I love you and I want you to feel good. I'm here because I love you. Not out of pity, or remorse, or obligation. Got it?"

Blair nodded, quickly wiping his eyes. "Yeah, I got it." 

"Now about this unresolved problem I have..." Jim grinned and deliberately let his voice trail off, rubbing his dick on Blair's thigh. 

Blair chuckled. "Get off me, you big lug, and I'll take care of you." 

"Promise?" 

"Oh, yeah, man. Promise." 

Jim laughed and flopped to his back. Blair rolled to his belly and scooted to his knees. His eyes drank in his lover's body and he licked his lips in anticipation. Rubbing his hand on Jim's pecs, he grinned. 

"You are the one who's beautiful. Man, you're awesome." Blair's hands rubbed the hard planes and smooth tummy. "And you're just about perfect," Blair said, wrapping both hands around Jim's now-leaking erection. 

Jim sighed in pleasure when Blair's hands finally touched him. He closed his eyes and sighed again. The warm, familiar hands stroked gently, making Jim shudder. 

"So nice, Chief. Your touch is... It's hard to describe. Familiar, comforting, arousing." When a warm hand cupped his balls, Jim's eyes flew open. "Definitely arousing!" 

"You do like your balls played with." 

"God, yes. You have just the right touch. Not too rough, not too light." 

"Cool." Blair shifted to kneel between Jim's legs and leaning down, he moved the rigid shaft aside to suckle the warm balls into his mouth. Gently, he rolled the sac with his tongue. 

Jim clenched his teeth and moaned, spreading his legs wider. "Blair!" he whispered. "God, Blair!" 

When a drop of pre-cum dripped onto Blair's face and dribbled to his lips, he released the wet testicles and snaked out his tongue, licking the droplet. "Mmmm. Nice." With a warm smile, he reached over for a fresh condom. Ripping open the pack, he handed it to his lover and waited with a hungry smile while Jim rolled the latex down over his own erection. 

“Love you,” Blair murmured before his mouth engulfed the head of Jim's penis. 

Jim sucked in a deep breath and huffed it out when Blair's tongue tickled its way over and around the tip of his penis. He struggled to remain still, afraid he'd startled his lover by thrusting too forcefully. They'd messed around a bit over the past months, but hadn't done much more than the occasional, mutual hand job. Now that they were actually going to take the final step, he was a bit anxious and determined to be considerate and careful. He bit his lower lip and clenched his fists. 

"Jim." Blair raised his head. "Jim!" 

Jim finally realized that Blair was calling to him. "Wha... What?" 

"Jim, just relax. You're holding yourself so stiff, you're going to break in half!" 

"I don't... Sorry..." 

"It's okay. Relax. You're supposed to be enjoying yourself. You can move, you know." 

Jim shivered. "Sorry. I'm afraid I'll hurt you." 

"Jim, man. I'm a guy. I'm pretty darned tough. You're not going to hurt me by making love with me. Now I'm going to go back to what I was doing and I want you to go with the flow. Do what feels good. Got it?"

"Yeah. Okay. I'll try." 

"Good," Blair said with a smile. "Now where was I?" 

Returning to Jim's penis, he thoroughly licked the entire head before running his tongue up and down the underside, making Jim moan and tremble under the gentle assault. When Blair lowered his mouth onto the shaft and took as much as possible into his throat, Jim let out a small cry and thrust up. Blair grinned around the thick flesh and lightly rested his hands on Jim's hips. Taking the cue from Blair's hands, Jim thrust gently into the welcoming mouth. Raising himself to his elbows, he watched a good portion of himself disappear into his lover's mouth. Breathing heavily, he skirted the edge of orgasm quickly and felt his balls begin to draw close to his body. 

Blair grunted and released the glistening erection, making Jim groan in protest. After a final kiss to the straining penis, Blair pulled away for a moment to remove the condom and to cover Jim's erection with a fresh one. Rolling the latex down the hard length, he grabbed the lube and slathered his lover thoroughly. 

Jim watched, mouth open, heart racing. He remained still, letting Blair set the pace for this first time. When Jim realized what Blair was going to do, he almost stopped him, but with effort, he managed to stifle his protests. Blair was an adult and his lover. He wanted to take Jim into his body, and Jim wanted it more than he could imagine. They had discussed the ways and means of making love many times, so all Jim could do was trust in his mate. He watched while Blair also lubed his own body and positioned himself with the head of Jim's penis against his opening. When their eyes met, Blair smiled and cocked his head. Jim smiled in return and nodded his go-ahead. 

With a look of concentration, Blair slowly and carefully lowered his body onto Jim until they were fully joined. Their eyes held each other and wordlessly they drank in each other's look of love and pleasure. Blair leaned forward and kissed his mate's lips before he sat back up, resting his hands on Jim's chest. He pushed down and gasped. 

Jim wrapped his strong hands around Blair's waist, encouraging him to rise along his shaft and shuddered at the sensation of Blair's muscles clenching around him as he rose up and then pressed down. Blair's hand stroked the side of Jim's face; their eyes stayed locked on each other.

"Blair!" Jim finally said. "Please..." 

With a smile, Blair used his strong thigh muscles to rise up and down on Jim's thick erection. He set a steady rhythm that Jim knew would soon be his undoing. Allowing Blair to set the pace, Jim felt his body floating. All sensation was centered on his erection wrapped in the hot, strong channel of his lover's body. There was no way to draw out this first time. It was too much, too hot, too needy. He held Blair's waist while Blair worked his shaft. The noises of pleasure and desire that Blair made caused Jim to shudder and in just a few more strokes, he shouted his lover's name while he came forcefully. 

"Oh my God. Blair!" Jim cried, shaking from the force of his release. 

"You are so beautiful, Jim," Blair whispered. "Come for me. Yes! That's it! I can't believe you did this for me. I can't believe it. I love you so much." 

"Blair..." Jim put a hand on either side of Blair's face and tugged him close. He brought their lips together for more passionate kisses. Noisily and messily, Jim kissed Blair's lips, cheeks, forehead and neck. "Love you, love you." 

"Jimjimjim!" Blair chanted. "Thank you..." 

"No, thank you." 

Laughing, Blair nipped the tip of Jim's nose. "We are damned pathetic, aren't we?" 

"Nope. Just in love." 

"I can live with that." 

"I expect you to." 

Blair smiled. "I plan on living with you for a long time, Ellison," Blair growled softly. "A hell of a long time." 

"I'm holding you to that, Sandburg. And next time, I'm making love to you." 

"Cool." Carefully, Blair slipped from Jim and now he returned the favor of cleaning up. He removed the condom and wiped his lover down with wet wipes after warming them between his hands. He disposed of the items in the trashcan before sidling up Jim's body and snuggling into his side. Jim chuckled and tugged Blair closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Blair pillowed his head on Jim's shoulder and slipped an arm around his waist. 

They lay silently for a long while, enjoying the closeness. When the buzzer for the oven beeped, Jim sighed contentedly and whispered, "Love you, Darwin," planting a loud kiss on the top of Blair's soft curls. 

Giggling, Blair kissed the warm skin of Jim's shoulder. "Jim?" 

"Yeah." 

"We have all the time in the world." 

"I know." 

"You hungry?"

"Starved!" 

"Then let's eat." 

\----------------------------------------------

With a fire burning brightly in the hearth, Jim lay back on the sofa against a pile of pillows. Blair snuggled between Jim's legs with his back resting against Jim's chest. Both cuddled under a warm blanket; Jim sighed contentedly. Blair captured Jim's hand and after lacing their fingers together, he pressed their joined hands against his chest. 

"I'm stuffed," Blair moaned. "You have to stop with the feeding!" 

Jim chuckled. "It was all homemade and you know my number one rule." 

"No sex in the loft?"

Jim snorted. "No, smart mouth. Three good meals a day. No junk, no artificial ingredients, no empty calories." 

"Who knew you'd turn into Mother Nature? Man, even I know that having a candy bar or a doughnut once in a while won't kill you." 

"True, but why eat that crap when you can have a nice, fresh bowl of berries with real whipped cream?"

Blair swiveled his head to look up at his lover. "Really? Fresh berries? What kind?"

"Blueberries and black raspberries. Organically grown." 

"Yum. When do we eat?"

Jim laughed. "I thought you were full." 

Blair shrugged. "I could eat." 

Jim's arm tightened around Blair's chest. "You are insatiable." 

Blair nodded. "Yeah, when it comes to you." 

"I can live with that," Jim said softly. 

"Good," Blair answered, laughing, "because you're stuck with me now." 

"Trust me, Chief. Being stuck with you is just about the best thing that's ever happened to me." 

Blair laughed and relaxed against his lover. He lay still for a long time before he asked, "Do you think she's really - dead?" 

"Yeah, I think she's really dead. Simon had connections. If he says his contacts told him she's dead, then you can trust him. He wouldn't have told us unless he knew for sure. Same with the - other idiots. If Simon says he has it on good authority that they're dead, then you can believe him." 

"Yeah, I know. It's just that sometimes..." Blair fell silent for a long moment before he said, "It was after I forced Alex into a zone that final time that she finally dumped me."

Jim remained very still and silent, allowing Blair to tell him what he needed to, what he wanted to. It was hard sometimes not demanding explanations or answers, or asking Blair what he remembered, but allowing Blair to tell Jim in his own way. It was one of their major compromises during couples' therapy. Jim promised to listen and not push. Blair promised to tell Jim things he felt he could share. Jim also knew that while Blair had a tendency to be talkative, he usually talked about everything but his own feelings and desires.

"I forced her into a zone maybe six or seven times, and then while she was zoned, I'd run. She always found me. Sometimes it took hours. Sometimes it took days." Blair sighed. "She was angry she couldn't find the temple again, and really pissed that I refused to help her. Sometimes I didn't even remember running, just what happened when she found me. She tried keeping me tied up, but she still had to let me loose once in a while. I guess after the last time, she finally believed me when I said I'd never help her, and that I'd do anything to get away from her. That's when she got rid of me - wherever." 

Jim held his breath and squeezed Blair's hand. Blair squeezed in return, and kissed Jim's fingers before he continued. 

"I don't know how long I was - there, but I was really sick. I couldn't eat. They kept me strung out with God knows what and I could hardly walk. I tried to fight them, but I couldn't even get up to - go to the bathroom. Not that I had to, much. They didn't give me much to eat or drink. Then I remember there was a big to-do. They dragged everybody out into the yard and hosed us down. They shaved my head, which was pretty much a relief by that time since my hair was infested with - stuff I don't even like thinking about." Shifting, Blair sighed again. 

"They weren't happy that I wasn't picked. I think they wanted to get rid of me, but they needed to make a few bucks. I don't think they figured I'd take off considering as how drugged up I was, besides being naked and starving, but the second I could, I ran. It was dark out and I just - ran until I couldn't run any more. Then I hid until the next night. I remember seeing a farmhouse. I stole clothes from the clothesline and some vegetables from the garden. Oh, well, enough of that." 

Blair looked over his shoulder into Jim's face. Turning quickly, he knelt on the sofa between Jim's legs. "Don't, Jim. Please. Don't look so - sad and upset. It's okay. Really. I'm here with you and I love you. I feel good. I look okay." Blair grinned. "Besides, nobody ever said life was fair." 

Jim swallowed and nodded. He knew Blair hated pity so he schooled his face to pleasantness and asked, "You want coffee?" 

Blair raised an eyebrow. "Fresh ground?" 

Jim rolled his eyes. "I've created a monster. Of course, fresh ground." 

With an innocent smile, Blair said, "Then I'd love some. And some berries with whipped cream." 

Jim returned his courageous lover's smile and ruffled his hair. "You got it, Chief." 

"Yeah, I know, Jim," Blair answered. "I got it and I'm keeping it. Now get your ass up and make some coffee, and be quick about it." 

"What's your hurry?" 

"No hurry," Blair said. "We have all the time in the world." 

\-------------------------------------------------

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published in the zine, Battle of Hope, in 2004.


End file.
